...maybe im just a bloomin stupid person!...

so today something horrible happened.
i lost my notebook.
and although this may not sound like much, for me, its like losing my right arm.

in the book was hours and hours of my personal work.
observational writing, personal writing, hundreds of my most valued quotes by amazingly inspirational people, my deepest thoughts and feelings, not to mention all of the things i fear most along with the many flaws...
its not only the fact that i have lost something i hold so dear, its the thought that someone at uni may have picked it up and read some, if not all of it... i hope that someone handed it in, but im not placing any hope on it. i'd be suprised if anyone even bothered to pick it up.

when i got home and realised what had happened, well lets just say, if i could have shot myself in the foot, i would have! when i couldnt find the book after searching my car, i realised what had happened.

"it was on the roof. it was on the roof of my car when i was getting my keys out... i've driven off without it..."

there was no one to blame but me. why didnt i listen to my gut? had i not said to myself that morning and again when getting my stuff outta the car, "dont take it in, leave it in the car, cos if anything happens to that book you wont know what to do with yourself"... and sure enough...
THANKS VERY MUCH KARMA AND FATE... u a-holes... i no i cant reeeally blame it on that, but it helps to blame it on something else as well as my stupid self.

i dont think im getting across the importance of this little notebook to me, i take it everywhere. literally everywhere. if its not on my bed its in my car on the seat next to me or in my handbag if not in my hands themselves. i feel like a little part of my has disappeared... dramatic it may sound, but its the truth.

and the thing is, this isnt like losing your keys or losing your phone, keys can be re-cut, phone can be replaced, but this... this is on a hole other playing field. when i realised what had happened, i felt sick. like physically sick and in all seriousness wanted to cry!

why didint i just listen to my instincts and go with my gut? why do we always do that. arent we always told "go with your gut instincts" or "do what you think is right". why do we always question ourselves. why dont we just do what we know we should and not compromise that by second guessing? that way we can avoid disasters.

huh... all i know is that tonight im going to lie there awake dreading the fate of the book i hold so dear and prey that its somewhere in the carpack that im gonna search tomorrow... and hey, there may actually still be a decent person out there who has found it, picked it up and handed it in.

here's hoping.

...the new surrender...

we will all come to the point in our life where we have to admit that we
feel defeated, that something has conquered us.
we must change, not because we want to, but because we desperately
have to. we can not take life in its current suffocating state, even to
admit such desperation shows that we are feeling deserted,
wandering the barren desert,
a shell of our former selves.

it is only up from here, it is impossible to sink any lower into ourselvesor our circumstances.
but we can be salvaged, a deliverance.
no vice can stand, no fix can take.
the thorn in the side can be removed,
but you have to be willing to admit and surrender.
surrender your habits,
your lifestyle,
your past,
your present,
and your future.
this is your new surrender.
the new surrender.

- stephen christian, lead singer of band 'anberlin' and lyrical genius

growing up

you grow up when you decide to do right. and not what's right for you, what's right for everybody...

even when it hurts.

"It's better have loved and lost than never loved at all."

"It's better have loved and lost than never loved at all."

I was talking to a friend earlier about a past partner, telling them not to be bitter about their time together and that it's better have loved and lost than never loved at all. But then that got me thinking... When finding someone to love and who loves you back is such a rareity, IS it better to lose them than not have them at all?

Is it better to have made yourself vulnerable and risked the rejection, than keeping quite and be left always wondering?

Yes. I think so.

We're only here once. We only get one chance to fill life with as many experiences and learnt lessons as we can before it's too late. We can't sit around and wait to start living because before we know it, time will run out and then all you'll be left with is a memory full of "what if's" and regrets.

And don't be bitter and hold grudges when things done go to plan, you tired and it didnt work out. It may not feel like it now, but you'll be a better person when all is said and done.
Personally, I'm sick of being the one who sits back and misses out because I'm either too worried that things will go horribly wrong, or that I'll be stepping on other peoples toes rather than going after the things I want.

Life isn't about taking risks. Life is a risk.
Life isn't about worrying about everyone else. Worry about yourself, it is YOUR life.
Life isn't about 'what if's'. Life is about trial and error. And if you can come out at the end of the tunnel and say "Well hey, it may not have all gone to plan, but I gave it a go", you'll be a bigger, better, stronger and wiser person than you were before you started.

If you want something or someone, got get em'! You'll only regret it if you don't. And remember, the human is a complex thing. They can often surprise you more than disappoint you.

Life.
You win some, you lose some.
But when you win, most of the time, it's all you could hope for!

...a glimps of you...

Hope sets in.

Eyes searching.

A glimps of you.

Instant rush.

Instant excitment.

Cheeky grin appears.

Hands shake.

Heart races.

Mind races.

Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts.

Constant thoughts.

Why?

What is this?

control freaks

When we live in our minds, we can be control freaks. With the world in you hand, you feel unstoppable.There’s no fear, there’s no pain, you feel 10feet tall and bulletproof.But then, when you step out into the real world, all that perfection, all that beautiful control... just falls to crap.

No one likes to loose control. It’s a sign of weakness. Of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it all just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realise that hope isn’t gonna save you, no matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell.But if there’s an upside to free falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you...

...time...

Time flys.

Time waits for no man.

Time heals all wounds.

All any of us wants is more time.

Time to stand up.

Time to grow up.

Time to let go.

Time.

"good" and "bad" people

I’d like to believe that we can’t be separated into "good" or "bad" people. Because I feel that we all have the ability to be both.

Sometimes good people are pushed to do bad things. Desperation can be a force more persuasive than any other. And those who are considered "bad" have more to them than people realise. Most of the time they deserve more time than people are willing to give them...

knowing when to say "when"

I had a grandpa who, whenever he would pour something for us, would say, "Say when!"

He would say "Say when" and of course we never did.

More tequila, more love, more anything... More is better.

There’s something to be said about the glass being half full. About knowing when to say "when".

I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual... and of course it all depends on what is being poured.

Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times, there’s no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless. And all we want is more...

crossing the line

Lines are there for a reason. For safety. For sercurity. For clarity.If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it?

We can't help ourselves. We see a line, we want to cross it. Maybe it's the thrill of trading the familiar for the unfarmiliar. A sort of personal dare. Only problem is, once you've crossed, it's almost impossible to get back.But if you do manage to make it back across the line, sometimes it's better to find safety in numbers.

a first kiss

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere.

A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can’t cheat a first kiss. You shouldn’t want to. Because when you find the right person, a first kiss is everything...

...denial.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneeking up on us and biting us in the arse. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is keep your head above the water and swim.
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. After that, we begin to lose ourselves in the lies. And if we lose ourselves, we lose everything.

We're only human. Denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world head on, guns blazing.

Denial isn't a river in Eygpt, its a bloomin' ocean!

So how do we keep from drowning in it?

mistakes

I admit it.

I've made some mistakes.

Okay, some big mistakes. Loads of them.

But you can't hide away in your room forever feeling sorry for yourself.

*grins* It's just not practical...

At some point you've got to get back out there, face up to things and face your demons.

Ever since i can remember, I've wanted to be clever.
Some people are born clever, just as some people are born beautiful.

I'm not one of those people. I'm gonna have to work at it.

And if i mess it up, I'll learn from it.

And besides sometimes it's not about knowing the right answer, sometimes it's about asking the right question...

the waiting place

Do you dare stay out?
Do you dare go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right?
Or right and three quaters?
Or maybe not quite.
You can get so confused, that you’ll start into race,
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace,
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed I fear towards a most useless place,
the waiting place.
For people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or for a bus to come,
or for a plane to go or mail to come,
or the rain to go or the phone to ring,
or the snow to snow,
or waiting for a yes or a no,
waiting for a string of pearls or a pair of pants,
or a wig with curls,
or another chance...

~ Dr Seuss

human spirit

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."

~ e. e. cummings

...solitude...

Octavio Paz once wrote:

Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being that knows he is alone."

I’m the sort of person who needs time by myself. And when I say time, I don’t mean an hour or so, I’m talking a day at least... DAYS even! Because sometimes, one day isn’t enough.

I grew up able to spend hours playing by myself, entertaining myself without the need to have others there to keep me occupied. And in all honesty, I thinks it’s really important for a person to be able to have time to be alone with their thoughts in order to gain clarity and peace of mind. Not to mention, just to be able to do whatever YOU want to do without having to worry about everyone else. Something that we all can have trouble avoiding at times..

Although, in saying this, I also believe that being alone too much can be detrimental to ones need to be stimulated by another.

We all need companionship. It’s human nature. We weren’t designed to be alone for extraordinarily long periods of time. Otherwise we all wouldn’t embark on the life long journey of finding a life partner through a process of elimination.

Sometimes also known as going out for a night on the town, being grabbed at, nearly knocked out by girls who are trying to balance themselves while wearing 6" heals and off their faces and not to mention, my personal favourite, having vulgar comments spat at you as if you were a hooker in St Kilda...

But we all go. We all put up with the comments and expect nothing less every time we go out because really, it’s never gonna change. You meet someone you only associate with because you think their attractive (because come on, it’s not like you have anything else to base your opinion on), you get talking, you might make out and the next morning, whether you admit it to yourself or anyone else, you can’t really remember exactly what they look like... And then sometimes you stay in contact and meet up again and it works, or it doesn’t.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitching or bagging it, I just find it so amusing that we all have to go through this, for some every weekend and others every other time they go out..

My question is, what do you do if you are the sort of person who doesn’t like to go out and snog random people in order to maybe pass the test and get a call the next day?

What if you’re someone who’d actually like to have a decent conversation where you not screaming at the other person in order for them to hear you, but then you can’t hear them anyway and so to avoid the horrible awkward pauses you make out...?

How can people expect to not be alone if this is the sort of thing that you have to go through in order to find someone! No wonder it’s a process of elimination!And what if there’s someone you think could be awesome to get to know, but you just can’t think of a way to create a mutual situation in which to do so? Because I know at least 6 people off the top of my head (myself included) that are in this exact position. Its easier to read a persons body language when they’re intoxicated because they lose all fear of rejection and all walls come crashing down and they have a good time. So when you’re not in that environment, how can you figure out whether you’re setting yourself up for failure or not, when you can’t read how the other is feeling?

Do you miss an opportunity that could be great or do you risk potentially ruining the relationship you already have with that person?

the drive home

Its late afternoon and as I'm walking to my car, I reach for my keys from my pocket and aim them in the cars direction, surprised that the broken central locking button worked first time.
As I open the door to throw my bag on the back seat, even though the muggy humid day is coming to an end, the intensity of the heat inside the car becomes more evident.
Once seated in the car, I place the key in the ignition and it takes a second to turn over cause the old girls on gas. I can barely touch the sweltering steering wheel as the hot wind streaming from the air con blasts into my face, defeating the purpose of trying to cool down.

I sigh. Should have waited for the car to warm up first.

Pulling out onto the main road, I know my concentration will only linger for a moment before I drift off into thought. Maybe it's the motion of the car as it travels along the road that enables one to feel completely alone and free to think without interruption.
With the melodic Damien Rice playing in the background, the song changes to 'The Blower's Daughter' and my mind begins to wander. It was only a matter of time.

After a moment or two of unspecific thought, I come to realise that, subconsciously, I have been thinking of you the whole time. Reliving moments that had happened only minutes before, over and over in my mind. A look, a laugh, a smile, whether directed at me or not, they stick in my mind.

Stuck in traffic on the Monash, I sit in quite thought, wondering why I can't seem to get you off my mind...
Laughing at what you may have said or done, remembering the way your hole face lights up when you smile, and contemplating what it would be like to be allowed to get lost in your eyes. Wishing it was possible to stop time in order to study your face properly without being caught. And realising that when our eyes do meet, I have to force myself to look away.
I sit trying to understand why whenever I see you, my stomach jumps and a nervous excitement stirs inside me.

It's then that my imagination gets the better of me. I wonder if you ever think of me in return… I doubt it. But if you did, could this develop into something? Could it work? The image pops into my head of you taking my hand in yours and with a reassuring look and a wink, you let me know that everything will be okay and that you're never far away. I wonder what it would be like to kiss you… whether you're the soft and tender type, or one who is gentle but understands when the strong passionate embrace is necessary…

A car cuts me off, shocking me back into reality and the driver receives a universally recognised and understood gesture.
In all honesty, I don't know if I was more annoyed at the car cutting me off or allowing my imagination and curiosity to consume my thoughts and give me some kind of false hope… stupid mind!

I notice that the sun is setting casting streaks of yellow, orange and pink across the sky, as if smudged together. The fluffy navy clouds the only thing disturbing one of nature's most spectacular displays.

I grin at the idea that other drivers may have seen me deep in thought, laughing and smiling at nothing… Probably thought I was nuts and wouldn't be half wrong to think so!

I glance over at the inbound traffic, jealous of the fact that they are moving continuously without interruption, while I sit at a standstill on a road that never ends… I'll never understand peak hour traffic.

I find myself giggling at the sight of a cattle truck going past with a cow hanging its head out the side of the truck, the way a dog does as it hangs its head out the window of a car. Although all humour is suddenly lost and my stomach turns at the thought of their fate.

Despite this, the thought of you floods my mind and I can't seem to stop the flow of thought, no matter how hard I try. I begin to contemplate whether or not fate really exists. Are you my reward for putting up with all the fuckwits in the past? Maybe you're my good Karma…
Maybe this is working the way it did with my friends… I dealt with so many people who were pathetic excuses for friends in my past that I was rewarded with people like Dee and Matty and Brodie and Josh... Maybe you're my reward! Here's hoping!

So deep in thought I nearly miss my exit. Amazed I'm nearly home already, the CD is back to the beginning and my favourite song 'Delicate'.

As I pull into my street I come to the conclusion that you've had a bigger impact on me than I realised and that I've wanted to admit. Only making things even harder to understand because I don't know how to feel about all this… Not to mention whether or not I should allow myself to feel anything about this… ERGH! What a pickle! What to do now is my next concern.

As I climb the stairs to my front door, it feels as though my head will explode from all the things I've tried to figure out on the way home. And, the more I think about it; maybe my horoscope was right… "Try not to let your fear of change prevent you from pushing into new emotional territory."

Huh! Go figure!

this guy knew what he was on about...

T.H White once wrote:

"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts, uncritically, to those who hardly think of us in return."

communication

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life.

Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

Some things we just don't want to hear.

Some things we say because we can't bare to be silent any longer.

Some things are about more than what you say, they're about what you don't say, and what you do.

Some things we say because there's no other choice.And some things, in my case most things, the important things, the sort of things only fear is preventing you from saying, you keep to yourself.

And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves...

your spark

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, the not at all.

Do not let the hero inside your soul perish in the lonely frustrations for the life you deserved, but never been able to reach.

The world you desire can be won.

It exists.

It is real.

It is possible.

It is yours.

karma

Okay. So sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions. Bad decisions. Decisions we pretty much know we're going to regret the moment, the minute after.

I mean, maybe not "regret" regret because at least, you know, you put yourself out there, but still, something inside us decides to do a crazy thing, a thing we know will probably turn around and bit us in the arse. Yet, we do it anyway. What I'm saying is, we reap what we sow. What goes around, comes around. It's Karma. And anyway you slice it, Karma sucks!
One way or another, our Karma will always find us. And the truth is, we have more chances than most to set the balance in our favour.

No matter how hard we try, we can't escape our Karma. It follows us home. I guess we can't really complain about Karma, it's not unfair. It's not unexpected, it just... evens the score.
And even when we're about to do something we know will tempt Karma to bite us in the arse, well, it goes without saying, we'll do it anyway...

here's the truth about the truth

Lying is bad. Or so we're told. Constantly, from birth.

"Honesty is the best policy."
"The Truth shall set you free."
"I chopped down the cherry tree."

WHATEVER!

The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth, the truth frigin hurts!

No matter how hard we try to ignore it or deny it, eventually lies fall away. Whether we like it or not.

But here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So we lie.

good girls - bad girls

It's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time.
Me, I just want to live a life I'm gonna remember, even if i don't write it down.