time to tell the truth.. question is, will she do it?

you know what? some things, no matter how hard you try, you can't run away from.
we all have those glorious moments where we build up the courage and are adamant on telling everyone the truth. where we choose to be strong and be honest with everyone, no matter who may get hurt or angry as a result.
but then there's that voice. you know the one, the voice of doubt. and that voice gives you every reason to not to do it and convinces your vulnerable mind that it would be best for you and everyone else to just bottle it inside...
we COULD say something, COULD tell the absolute truth, but we don't because its easier not too.

but here's the thing. that voice? is a mother fucking liar!
in all the times we sit and think that others out there aren't also at their wits end or are too about to hit rock bottom, we need to remember, before we hit the ground, there's always that chance, that moment to do the right thing, and tell the truth..

its just finding the courage in yourself to do it..

we're all trying to find our way.
we're all trying to find our place.
we're all trying to find ourselves.

true religion

"true religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness."


~ albert einstein.

attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.


- Charles Swindoll

truth hurts

you know what i've realised? that yeah, being told the truth can hurt.
but what's worse than being told the truth, is being the one to tell someone the truth. truth that might (or is guaranteed) to hurt them.

so how do you do it? how do you sum up the courage to tell someone whats really going on, when you know your gonna either hurt them, damage the current relationship (that being whatever it is, friends or more) OR fuck it all up completely?
makes it extremely tempting to lie.
though lying and going against what you truely feel is the cowardly way out, and, is more of an insult to the other person that being honest.

how do you tell someone you've tried, but can't?

i think the worst thing is not knowing. not knowing what they'll say, not knowing what they'll do, not knowing how they'll react..

and you never know! they may feel the same, or, they may never speak to you again. either way, its a 50/50 chance of all blowing up in your face. then what? by being honest you could end up losing everything, because it's not really a 'win, win' or 'break even' or 'win, lose' situation. i don't see anything being gained from this..

i don't really know what to do.
i don't want to hurt anyone, myself included, but i don't want to lie either.. but telling them what they don't want to hear is going to hurt them..

it's a pickle ey! i'm not really sure how i'm gonna get myself out of this one...

help?... please?... anyone?...

..connections..

there are many ways to be close to someone.

you can be close intellectually, emotionally and of course physically, to name a few.

sitting with two of my best friends we were talking about the desire to be closer to people we know.

one saying that they "would bang *that person* silly if it meant they could be closer to them."

but not just in the sense of sex, it was more about the desire to connect with that person on a deeper level. to understand them more than they already did.

i then began to wonder myself who i had wanted to become closer to, and the lengths i had gone to, or considered going to, in the pursuit to gain that deeper connection.

some people you befriend and the connection is instantaneous. others you meet through friends and the connection grows as you initiate more contact with that person. you can love them for all their faults as well as all the things you have in common.

and this attraction to another can not always be easily explain to yourself, let alone another. and it may not be in the pursuit of anything serious or long term. it may not be a physical attraction, or it may be a main factor, it may be an attraction to their idea's and feelings, but most of the time, its more of an attraction to their personality. All that other stuff? well the rest of it is just a bonus.

sometime you just have a feeling about someone and things may not happen straight away, but its when they say or do something specific that strikes at your curiosity and its there the desire to be closer to them is born. the desire to know more.

you'll start thinking of ways to see them more if you don't see them often and will find excuses to get in contact with them. inviting them out, seeing how they are, bringing up personal jokes to spark conversation and of course playing dumb and asking questions you know the answers to.

and you may sit there thinking about them and catch yourself off guard and then question, "i don't understand it, and i can't explain it, but i want to see them more and i don't know why.."

don't fight it.

sometimes you need to pursue things/people like that because if you don't you'll never know if you missing out on an amazing opportunity. sometimes you need to prove yourself wrong, or, unfortunately... or thankfully, prove yourself right.

it's the question "what if". and who cares what others think. that person may not measure up to someone else's usually pathetically stereotypical and materialistic standards, but if they mean something to YOU then that's all that should matter.

as i said to a friend recently, this is YOUR life, its YOUR existence. you're only going to be here once. embrace it and learn from it. live life and don't lose the lessons you've learnt along the way.

people can surprise you, if you give them the chance to do so..

..life is short..

Life is short.

Break the rules,

Forgive quickly,

Kiss slowly,

Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably,

And never forget anything that made you laugh...

...maybe im just a bloomin stupid person!...

so today something horrible happened.
i lost my notebook.
and although this may not sound like much, for me, its like losing my right arm.

in the book was hours and hours of my personal work.
observational writing, personal writing, hundreds of my most valued quotes by amazingly inspirational people, my deepest thoughts and feelings, not to mention all of the things i fear most along with the many flaws...
its not only the fact that i have lost something i hold so dear, its the thought that someone at uni may have picked it up and read some, if not all of it... i hope that someone handed it in, but im not placing any hope on it. i'd be suprised if anyone even bothered to pick it up.

when i got home and realised what had happened, well lets just say, if i could have shot myself in the foot, i would have! when i couldnt find the book after searching my car, i realised what had happened.

"it was on the roof. it was on the roof of my car when i was getting my keys out... i've driven off without it..."

there was no one to blame but me. why didnt i listen to my gut? had i not said to myself that morning and again when getting my stuff outta the car, "dont take it in, leave it in the car, cos if anything happens to that book you wont know what to do with yourself"... and sure enough...
THANKS VERY MUCH KARMA AND FATE... u a-holes... i no i cant reeeally blame it on that, but it helps to blame it on something else as well as my stupid self.

i dont think im getting across the importance of this little notebook to me, i take it everywhere. literally everywhere. if its not on my bed its in my car on the seat next to me or in my handbag if not in my hands themselves. i feel like a little part of my has disappeared... dramatic it may sound, but its the truth.

and the thing is, this isnt like losing your keys or losing your phone, keys can be re-cut, phone can be replaced, but this... this is on a hole other playing field. when i realised what had happened, i felt sick. like physically sick and in all seriousness wanted to cry!

why didint i just listen to my instincts and go with my gut? why do we always do that. arent we always told "go with your gut instincts" or "do what you think is right". why do we always question ourselves. why dont we just do what we know we should and not compromise that by second guessing? that way we can avoid disasters.

huh... all i know is that tonight im going to lie there awake dreading the fate of the book i hold so dear and prey that its somewhere in the carpack that im gonna search tomorrow... and hey, there may actually still be a decent person out there who has found it, picked it up and handed it in.

here's hoping.